‘It’s not either or, it’s both, and more.”
This past weekend we had a dear friend come to visit for the weekend. We met back in our YWAM days and she is currently attending Bible school is Alaska. It was such a blessing to have her with us for a couple days, and she really helped Justin and I to process what is going on with our marriage, communication, etc.
A lot of people don’t realize this, but Justin and I are VERY different. It wasn’t something we completely noticed until after being married for awhile to realize that our brains work almost completely opposite of each other. For those of you who are familiar with the Myer-briggs test, Justin is a INFJ and I am an INFP. For those of you who may know of the Life Languages test, Justin is a Mover/Shaper and I am a Responder/Contemplator. For those of you who have no idea what the heck I was just talking about, let me put it this way:
Justin’s mind works in a very “big picture” sort of way. He sees where he wants himself, our family, etc to be and wants to do everything now in order to get us there. Dreams, ideas, and things to pursue are very much a part of who he is and how God has wired him to think and how he just lives day to day. Being in the moment is not something that especially comes natural to him. There are times when he can almost feel “worthless” if he is not able to make steps in the direction he feels we need to be going.
I, on the other hand work completely differently. I am a very much day to day, live in the moment type of person. I am more aware of what God wants from us/ is teaching us in the very moment and season that we are in, and I honestly don’t really care to know about what is going to happen next. While I do enjoy thinking about what our future may hold, I really never dwell on it or give it much attention.
These differences have made things quite complicated for us at times. Especially times when big decisions need to be made together. With Justin needing to make a decision, I can very easily feel stressed or pressured, because a lot of the time I need days or even a week or two to process and come to a conclusion that I know is right. There’s been several times when just no conclusion is made because we are both on complete opposite sides of the spectrum with what we think we need to do, and it’s extremely hard on both of us.
In those moments it is really easy to see your side as the “right” one, and theirs as “wrong.” It’s so easy to then start living your life and marriage knowing that there is always this division, knowing that your minds are nothing alike, and not knowing at all what to do with that.
But maybe let’s stop and think,
“It’s not either or, it’s both, and more.”
Maybe neither one of you is the “right” side, or the “right” way to think. I want to always remember that God has made and wired my spouse with precision and care, making no mistakes. Because of this, maybe both of you are right. I feel like we are discovering this more and more and God is revealing to us more of what this looks like for us.
We are realizing more that we are in this together. While that may sound extremely basic, it is so easy to let the enemy use your differences against you, your dreams and your destiny. But remembering that both of our minds, ways of thinking/processing, personalities, dreams and desires are right.
I really believe God has so much more behind the person that you marry, and the reasons you are together and how you can compliment each other are far greater than we can even comprehend. We are just understanding more every day that we NEED each other. We NEED the way that our spouse thinks, which can at first seems so frustrating and confusing. If we can continue to grow and understand each other on deeper levels and continue to appreciate the wonderful complexities that make up each other’s minds and thought patterns, then it’s only going up from here.
We know we are different. We know we need each other. And God will continue to give us the grace to do that.
“It’s not either or, it’s both, and MORE.”
Lastly, the word more stood out me. By both of us understanding that we are in this together and that both of us are right, there’s more. More hope, peace, presence, and joy because we are once again making room for unity and the opportunity to love each other for exactly who we are, and not who we were wanting them to be.
While this is such an amazing thing for us to keep discovering, it doesn’t mean that everything is going to be easy now and that we have it all figured out. There is still so much more we are learning and navigating with God, but it feels there is more of a shift of atmosphere. Before, the atmosphere around big decisions or certain conversations could be very confusing, frustrating, and hopeless. Where now the atmosphere seems to be of hope, understanding, and unity.
Isn’t it amazing that God cares about your marriage, your own personal dreams and desires, and every other small detail in between? I don’t ever want to forget that He just plain ol’ cares, and is never going to let us down, and life with Him goes from glory to glory.